Akatsuki Beauticians
by Slightly Confused Kitty
Summary: If kunai were lipstick tubes, and shurikan powder puffs, what does that mean for the Akatsuki? From the author of 'The Happy Places of the Akatsuki Members'. Warning: Humor and inevitably OOC.


AKATSUKI BEAUTICIANS

A/N: I don't own Dior sunglasses, hair-dryers, Konoha, the Naruto TV show, or the Akatsuki. I own the Akatsuki _Beautician_ Team, though. I know practically zip about beauty products. So the obvious action is to write a fic involving them!

* * *

Konoha Village was a quiet, prosperous town, with geometric streets lined with buildings in elegant, subtle styles, such as brickwork and white siding. The people of Konoha Village wore clothes much in the same mentality as they designed houses- simple, functional, and pleasant to the eye, though with the conspicuous absence of bricks and wood painted white and used in an overlapping pattern. Needless to say, the inhabitants were bored stiff and relished the gossip from the world of fame. That brings us to the rather over-dramatic reactions of said residents when a world-class group visited Konoha Village.

"GASP!"

"Oh-EM-GEE!"

"…Did they really just say-"

"Shut up and get with the plot!"

"Fine, fine- Holy CROW!"

"Run away!"

"Get closer!"

As the most feared organization of its kind, Akatsuki elicited terror in any who aspired to excel in the same field, or even dared to call their pitiful attempts sufficient. Yes- they were the most effective beautician team in history.

The nine members strolled down the paved street, their trademark cloaks billowing with the perfect flair for a group of talented, feared celebrities. Around them, people screamed in sheer panic and awe from the ground, the windows, the roofs, and the laundry lines.

Armed with scissors and other horrifying tools of the trade, the Akatsuki Beauticians needed no bodyguards to ward off the hordes of fans. Usually when in a new town, they would settle in the largest gathering area and perform a miracle of beauty on a lucky participant. However- today they had a mission.

A mission so vital, so delicate that they could entrust it to no one else, not even their elite (and well-groomed) spies.

A mission that needed the whole team.

A mission- of recruitment.

Akatsuki Beauticians were tracking down one worthy to join their ranks.

Itachi Uchiha, his own hair blowing beautifully with every step, wielded his bladed blow-dryer with deadly ease. His eyes, hidden by Dior sunglasses, caught every threat of glomping, even the barest hint of it in the eye of a nun. Those tried and deemed guilty of this were mercilessly blasted by searing hot air. This attack had the added effect of destroying any attempt at great-looking hair. Itachi disliked competition.

Kisame Hoshigaki, blue and towering over the rest, was a master of swordplay- it was no surprise that he fended off fans easily with his enormous massage wand, Samehada. Once in range, the victims had no escape from the inevitable scrape and subsequent unconsciousness-by-forced-relaxation.

The only member with a mask, especially one eerily reminiscent of a pumpkin, Tobi held the only clothes-hangers in the team. The jagged edges gleamed ominously in the bright sun, and fans fell left and right from the flashing blades.

Pein led the group, and, as the overly-pierced acupuncturist, really should have been mentioned first. His needles- well, enough said. This isn't a horror story, after all.

Behind Pein stalked Kakuzu, his strange eyes ensuring that no coin left his or the Leader's pocket. His hands each clutched an eye-shadow pencil, like twin daggers of Pearlescent Pink. Pickpockets and admirers alike didn't have a chance against the fury of carefully mis-applied eye shadow, for, after all, who didn't yelp and faint at the feel of imperfect eye decoration? Or, indeed, manage to not suffer a panic attack at the sight of such travesty in one's hand mirror?

On Pein's other side strode Konan, a flock of sharp, white hair decorations swirling around her. These creations flew out and cut those who dared come within five feet of her without an appointment or Akatsuki cloak. Rumor had it that the snapping clips and stinging pins were white so that blood would show up artistically on it. Whatever the reason, Konan's accessories lost their spiritual possession when they were sold, though this somehow added to her popularity.

The sole blonde, Deidara carried the weighty responsibility of being stereotypically friendly, a burden he bore with grace and a stunning complexion. However, his face-mask-mudbombs were nothing to laugh at- unless you wanted some mud in your mouth. Unfortunately for the groupies who scurried closer in hopes of a free face-mask, the ones Deidara used for defensive purpose had shrapnel in them, and scarring is _not_ attractive.

Beside him, Hidan laughed and swung his gelled spike- I mean scythe, in wide arcs to drive off his devotees. The three blades, shining with top-quality hair gel, also concealed a product that caused those it came in contact with to go bald- a fate worse than death for the appearance-obsessed fans. Only one brave soul every city block tried to come near Hidan.

At the rear, Zetsu's head was framed by spikes of lipstick and powderpuffs of blush. Enthusiasts who grasped at his cloak and elusive, almost mythical beauty products were baffled to find that they passed right through their idol.

* * *

Pein led the way (as previously mentioned,) through the cheering, drooling streets of Konoha Village and directly to Konoha Academy, the training school for aspiring beauticians.

There were two guards at the entrance, to prevent the theft or maiming of Konohan talent. These two were quickly starry-eyed and useless at the sight of the Akatsuki Beauticians, and the group passed.

The Akatsuki beheld the school halls with appreciation. The walls were tastefully painted cool colors, interrupted periodically by portraits of legendary makeovers and beauticians, complete with descriptions. The students gasped softly and simultaneously, and parted respectfully for their heroes, like a sea of crisp navy and white.

Itachi took the lead now, having trained in this school himself. Still with his omnipresent sunglasses, he silently padded down the hall to the door second to last on the right side. His free hand reached out to delicately grasp the dark-purple doorknob-

-when the door was flung open, to shrieks by the audience. Itachi dodged backward and waited for a split-second. A deep-blue blur raced out the classroom, only to be swiftly caught by the scruff by Itachi.

Sasuke looked up at the Dior sunglasses with a mixture of complete awe and admiring love of his brother.

"Come, foolish little brother. You are now ready."

* * *

A/N: Hmm… I was going to have the Akatsuki kidnap Hinata or something, but I think I like this ending better.

Ask if you need any clarifications, reassurances that the Akatsuki will not trash your beauty parlor, etc. Please feel free to send me any , comments about the unique talents in Akatsuki, questions about the sanity levels of the author, suggestions for bribery, general questions, general corrections, general comments, generalizations, etc.

Should I write a sequel of a Naruto character being attacked –ahem, _beautified_ by the Akatsuki? What did you think of the fearsome beautician team? Favorite joke? Did I overuse a word or fifteen? Please review and tell me!

'Dear (adj.) author of this (adj.) writing,

I (adv.) (verb, past tense, expressing feeling toward an object) this! I suggest (suggestion). I hated/disliked (something you hated/disliked). I loved/liked (something you liked/loved). I hope you (continue writing/go die/never write again/visit me in my loneliness/enjoyed writing this/etc.). I thought your author's notes and story were hilarious.

(departing pleasantry),

(your penname/your secret identity/your roommate's secret identity/etc.)


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